Jan 11

Setting My Inclusion Intentions for 2023

By Jim Morris Communication, DE&I, Diversity, Emotional Wellness, Leadership, Men's work, Workplace Culture No Comments

New Personal Inclusion Practices I (am determined to) Adopt

No More Using “Woke.” Derived from the term “awake” which is what people of color – especially black people – had to be in order to protect themselves from being attacked, murdered, or lynched, the terms “Woke” or “Wokeness” have been re-appropriated by people who use them to trivialize the actions of those who stand up for and support civil rights issues. For more on this, see my blog, “Understanding Wokeness.”

Managing My/JMC’s Use of Social Media More Responsibly. We are learning more about the algorithm every day and how it intentionally hooks us with emotional content and moral outrage, prompting us to respond with more emotion and outrage. I am guilty as charged. Of course, there are pros and cons to social media. In this country, social media platforms have served as venues for social activism (such as the Black Lives Matter movement) for many years. However, social media platforms have also united anti-vaxxers, election conspiracists, and white nationalists, helping to brew the deadly 2017 Charlottesville rally and the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol. Until we find ways to manage social media AND preserve everyone’s 1st Amendment rights, it’s on each of us to manage the madness caused by our use of social media.

Slow Down. I can rationalize my high bias for action and off the charts “D” behaviors (if you know the DiSC profile) all day long, but the truth is, I have a terrible habit of reacting and responding and acting too quickly. Somehow I’ve fallen into the mindset that every issue is a fire and I have a bucket of water. In 99.9% of the situations where I slow down and mindfully contemplate what is happening, or just allow things to transpire a bit before I jump into the fray, slowing down has been a good decision. I’m committed to changing this mindset this year and, frankly, I’m a bit ashamed I’ve been so slow to improve on it.

Keep Bringing (and Asking for) Vulnerability. For me this means learning to name and claim my emotions and talk about them, especially when I’m afraid of being judged or misunderstood for feeling unsavory emotions that might make people think less of me. I’ve made progress on knowing how I am feeling faster, so owning my feelings when doing so is appropriate feels like a good next step.

Interrupting and intervening on men who mansplain or cut women and others off in meetings AND continuing to notice and control my own mansplaining tendencies. I don’t want to be perceived as being the great corrector as if I am better than everyone else (I’m not) but there are a number of people in my life – men, women, and everyone in between – who still mansplain. It’s patronizing, rude, and shuts down healthy dialogue. I notice how few people actually intervene on mansplainers – they don’t want to be rude, I suppose – but I’ve decided the risk is worth the reward most of the time.

Sharing my story with others and building better partnerships. I’m great at getting others to talk about themselves and much less good at sharing my own stories. Two-way sharing of important stories helps foster connection. Pummeling people with questions about themselves without sharing anything about myself is some sort of weird unconscious control game I have learned to play. I have lots of excuses for why I do this, but I also have lots of data that tells me reciprocity is a key element of partnership.

Improving and addressing my unconscious bias about non-binary, gender fluid, and gender queer sexual expression. I forget to use the pronouns people ask to be called by. I sometimes forget to announce and name my pronouns when meeting people as if it should be obvious to everyone what my gender identity is. I continue to talk about men and women as if gender is either/or versus a continuum, even though I know and believe it IS a continuum. Worst of all, I minimize the impact my bias has on others, assuming they’ll not be offended when I misstep. I’ve been aware of this dynamic for well over 10 years, and dammit, it’s time to commit to changing my mindset about it.

That’s a pretty ambitious list for this old dog, but I know I can make progress on it if I set my intention to do so.

Do you have personal practices that you’re committing to changing in 2023? Let me know what you’re working on if you can, or feel free to comment on how you made progress in some of these areas if they apply to you.

Jan 05

Love1

Understanding “Wokeness”

By Jim Morris Civic engagement, Communication, CRT, DE&I, Education, History, Leadership, Racism, Uncategorized

The terms “wokeness”and “woke” made a resurgence and became popularized during the civil rights protests in 2020, where it was used by Black Lives Matter supporters to keep a look out for unjust police practices and acts of violence aimed at protesters.

Since then, the term has gotten tossed around a lot, often by people who are making fun of it by saying things like, “Well, aren’t you WOKE!” I wonder if the people using it know where it came from, especially if they use it and they look like me. I might not know about “Woke” if it wasn’t for my friend and colleague, Wendell. He and I worked together in southern Florida in the early 90s running an Outward Bound program for kids. Wendell, a Black man, grew up 10 miles from where we worked, in rural DeSoto County. He was a strong advocate for juvenile justice and protecting the rights of kids who were court-involved. He had a real touch with all of our students, a gift he said he learned in the Navy.

About once a week, we left the school and went into town for lunch. Wherever we went, Wendell always needed to pick which table we took and more specifically, which seat he took.

He never volunteered why he was so picky about where we sat, and when I asked, he usually said something like, “just because…” which signaled to me to let it go.

One day, at one of our usual lunch spots, the restaurant was particularly crowded, and our only option for seating was at a countertop bar facing the back of the restaurant. Realizing this, Wendell quickly suggested that we just go somewhere else. We only had an hour, and I thought the drive to somewhere else would eat up too much of our time, so I disagreed with him and asked him why we just couldn’t sit at the bar.

Wendell refused. When I asked him why, he lowered his head to my ear as if he was going to let me in on a secret and said, “I’ll explain outside,” as he gently took my elbow and escorted me out.

“We’re in South Florida, Jim. I don’t know what it’s like where you come from, but some of the restaurants here only became safe for my kind a few years ago. I’ve got relatives who were arrested for going into these places, and my uncle got beat up in this parking lot by some white men just because they didn’t think my uncle belonged here.” I was incredulous, saying, “Well, that must have been back in the civil rights era; that wouldn’t happen today, would it?”

Wendell said, “I don’t know, but if we sit at that bar, our backs will be to the door, and I don’t want to have my back to the door at this or any restaurant, ever.” Up to this point, I hadn’t considered the reality Wendell was pointing out. He was a black man from the area. I was a white guy from a predominantly white suburb outside of Washington, DC.

He continued, “I don’t know if you noticed, but there aren’t many people of my kind in the places you pick for lunch, but I go as long as I can take a seat that lets me stay woke.”

And that was the first time I heard the term “woke.”

Wendell patiently explained to me the reality he faced every day that had totally escaped me. He explained how the area we worked and lived in has a complex history when it comes to racial justice, discrimination, and the social dynamic between white and African-American communities in the region. He had a lot of stories, like the one he told me, about violence and threatening behavior toward black people over the course of his life. The incident he described about his uncle getting beat up had happened only five years ago.

“Woke,” I learned, is short for “awake.” It describes a level of awareness and caution that, according to Wendell, is part of the conditioning he and everyone he grew up with was taught. They weren’t expecting the worst when they traveled or worked outside of their predominantly black community, but they did want to protect themselves and their families from what they always knew might happen when they least expected it.

“Woke” is an important concept among many African-Americans, and it has a long history that dates back to slavery and reconstruction in the Jim Crow South.

I am by no means an expert on wokeness or the history of “being awake.” But I do know this: the term is now being used as an insult—a minimization—of the state of preparedness black and brown people like Wendell apply to how they move through the world to keep themselves and their families safe.

As a result, I’ve stopped using the term—even if I could use it in context. I figure it’s not my group’s term to use, at least by me. I’ve had a few times in my life when my surroundings made me think I needed to be on high alert, or to be “woke,” but those instances are few. They are also incidents that cause me enough fear to never forget them.

I wonder what the intent of white politicians is when they talk about “woke liberals” or when they combine being woke with being a radical leftist or a communist. The story I make up is that they are trying to make fun of white people who are concerned about racial justice as if being “woke” is equivalent to being politically correct.

As a white person, I’m offended by their stereotyping and misunderstanding about people like me trying to be “woke.” And more, I don’t like them making fun of the term that describes a condition that exists in our society—one that requires some of us to be on high alert while others of us can move about in innocent ignorance. I think of my friend Wendell, and I wonder if he still feels the need to be woke when in primarily white communities or restaurants or offices.

I wonder if he feels safe.

When I hear people make fun of “being woke,” I wonder if any of us can feel safe.

Oct 11

Love0

Disagree with Someone at Work? Try Having a “Gap Conversation”.

By Jim Morris Communication, CRT, Diversity, Leadership, Workplace Culture

“Gap Conversation” (noun) Definition: A high stakes conversation where you and someone with whom you have and want to maintain a positive relationship discuss what has previously been considered an undiscussable topic (the Gap). Gap Conversations are inherently risky, but they often deepen connections and relationships when they go well.

Let’s say you’re having a conversation with someone you have a good work relationship with. Before you know it, the conversation has taken a turn into a subject that you suspect you and the other person disagree about, ideologically. Maybe it’s about the importance of unions, maybe it’s a disagreement about the need to have workers return to the office, or maybe it’s about the importance of DE&I.

You have a choice: change the subject quickly or enter into a Gap Conversation, hoping that your suspected disagreement becomes an opportunity to deepen and strengthen the relationship through mutual understanding. 70% of the time, research shows we avoid the conversation, and there is good evidence that the more we avoid, the more likely we are to accidentally create a toxic work culture.

If you are saying to yourself, “Forget it, Gap Conversations don’t work, and they are not worth the risk. Those people have their minds made up. There is no point in even trying…”

I invite you to consider whose mind is made up: yours or theirs?

I’ve been practicing having Gap Conversations a lot these days, and I would say my success rate is just over 50%. Given how difficult it is currently to “close the gap” with people who feel differently, I think it’s worth the effort.

Here is what I am practicing and how it’s going:

Suspend the desire to be right

I am learning to suspend my desire to be right, especially when I feel I have a more accurate grasp of the facts and data. I get really irritated when someone cites something that they heard on a tabloid news network or read on social media, as if the data is real when it isn’t. These sorts of conversations are not about facts or data, at least not at first. In my case, I think my desire to be right is tied to some old “not good enough” wounds from being a kid with an undiagnosed learning disability in elementary school. When my “I am right” switch is on, I muck things up pretty badly, so I’m working on noticing my level of activation and not allowing it to drive what I do or say.

Restrain and redirect my moral outrage

I recently talked about moral outrage in another blog I just wrote. It is the strong emotion that we feel when we experience or see an injustice, which we then convert into a moral judgment in a nano-second. When we feel it, it’s tempting to resort to shaming or attacking the wrong-doer as if we’ve caught them in the act. For example, I remember how it felt when I first watched the infamous video of a white woman who, in 2020, falsely called 911 on a Black man who had confronted her for unleashing her dog in a leash-required part of Central Park. I’m pretty sure I posted something about it that expressed my moral outrage at the transgressor—the white woman. I wasn’t alone, and the video of the event went viral in ways that were life-changing for her. There is no doubt that her actions were dangerous and egregious and speak to the very worst in us, but when I look back on that moment, I wish I could have found something constructive to say, or to have said nothing at all. I allowed my moral outrage to mindlessly take charge as I piled on with millions of others.

Start with listening to their story, all of it

I try to really focus on listening in every Gap Conversation. Under the surface, everyone has a unique story, and if we look at the pushback and backlash that DEI is getting right now, a LOT of it is coming from disenfranchised white people who feel that the hardships they overcame are not being considered. I’m not listening so I can agree or disagree with them. I am listening to understand and be empathetic to what created the feelings the other person is dealing with.

Remember (and prioritize) what matters

It helps me to stay centered on my ultimate priorities, which in most cases is to be in a positive relationship with people, even if we disagree. I don’t have to sacrifice my values to get along with someone, but remembering that relationships are as important as sharing “my truth” helps me be more empathetic and accessible to others. I try to start Gap Conversations by laying out the context as we start: “My relationship with you is important—can we talk honestly about (this topic) even if we disagree?”

Slow d o w n

My sense of urgency and drive can be helpful traits, but my bias for efficiency and speed can also be a real liability, particularly when it comes to listening and understanding the perspectives of others. I’d say I need to work on empathy, but for me, I need to work on the step before empathy which is to slow down enough to really get where people are at and understand what they’re feeling. I’m finding that I have some real stuck patterns around my urgency and turning everything into something that has to be attended to NOW. I’ve even engaged a coach to help me work on this, and I can see and feel the difference with people when they know I am present for them.

Share my own vulnerability

This is where I talk about what’s true for me, including disclosing my fears, anxieties, and concerns I have about whatever we are discussing. When I’m able to be vulnerable and to talk about my own story—even when the story describes my own made-up interpretation of an event—the very act of my owning my misinterpretation becomes a statement of my desire to have trust.

Redefine what “success” means

Having let go of the need to be right, we can also let go of any attachment to needing to reach an agreement. Gap Conversations are successful when each person has a better view into the way the other person views the world, and why. Even best friends may have to agree to disagree about some things. Pinpointing the specific issue can be liberating; it allows us to maintain a collegial relationship in spite of our disagreement.

Having an effective Gap Conversation doesn’t mean that one or both parties need to agree that both sides are equally valid. They may not be. The facts underlying the ideological divide in our society on topics like who won the last presidential election, or the nature and history of racism, don’t equally support both perspectives. But just because the facts are on our side doesn’t mean we can’t or shouldn’t listen to the perspectives of others. Beneath the data lies the real fear or mindset that can only be resolved through empathy and communication.

Business is such an important driver of commerce AND culture in our society. Even when we are at work and the issues are messy, let’s ask ourselves, “How can I engage in more Gap Conversations instead of pretending that they’ll go away on their own?”

They won’t.

For more on closing the Gap, consider picking up Jim’s book on Amazon, “Gaslights and Dog Whistles – Standing Up For Facts Over Fiction in a Fearful and Divided World”

Communication